by Robert L. Franck
(Adapted from the Society of Noble Sons Handbook accessible here.)
What must a father actually do to raise his children properly? Many fathers think that if they get their children involved in the right activities with the right people—the right schools, the right sports, the right church group, the right interests—their job is done. Is it? Shouldn’t a father’s involvement extend beyond managing their schedule? Or, to ask this another way, aren’t there some things that only he can do to raise his children?
The Scripture contains surprisingly little text that answers this question directly. Perhaps this is because a father’s child-rearing responsibilities were self-evident to the ancient biblical cultures. Unfortunately, they are no longer self-evident to us. But we have a clear command:
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Note that this is actually a negative command—don’t provoke or frustrate them—followed by a positive command—bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Contrary to popular opinion, a father frustrates his children by not disciplining and instructing them. Children need these things and will love their fathers for providing them. Unfortunately, the most common failure of fatherhood is neglecting to engage children in these areas.
But, to repeat the first question, what must a father actually do to discipline and instruct his children? How is this translated from general exhortation into practice? The Scripture provides two specific areas of application:
• Control your children’s behavior: A man “must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive” (1 Tim. 3:4), who are “not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination” (Titus 1:6). This is every father’s responsibility.
• Teach your children wisdom: “My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you” (Pro. 3:1-2). The book of Proverbs is presented in the context of a father instilling wisdom in his son. This is not a clever metaphor. It is a demonstration of what every father is to do.
Note that these things are accomplished during daily living through opportunities that naturally arise—an argument, a chore well done, disobedience, half-hearted schoolwork, an example of wisdom or folly. These openings call for an immediate response. Study or preparation is seldom needed. Patience and gentleness almost always is.
Every father, by God’s grace, can do these things if he goes home and pays attention for fifteen minutes. But it is often easier for him to stay late at work, or to immerse himself in church ministries or in a hundred other distractions in order to avoid the harder responsibilities of fatherhood.
Take the harder way. There is joy on this path. The easy way leads to sorrow and regret.
In future articles we will discuss the father’s role in a child’s salvation and the role of the church in relation to the family.