Dear Dr. Solomon,
I’m not sleeping. My pastor says that one of the presidential candidates—he’s not sure which, but he will know on November 5th—is the Antichrist. Also, he says that the invasion of Georgia is the first step of Russia’s (Gog and Magog’s) invasion of Israel as foretold in Revelation 20. Look on the map—it’s on the direct path to Israel! The Rapture is so close that I quit my job, so I wouldn’t be distracted by worldly pursuits. I’m so excited that I can’t sleep. I would get a prescription for sleeping pills, but I spent my last $75 for an internet service that will send gospel messages to my unsaved friends that don’t catch the Big Ride up. I’m tired. What should I do?
Going Soon
Dear Going Soon,
I never recommend pharmaceuticals as a means to deal with theological issues. I suggest a better interpretive approach to the apocalyptic language of the Bible. Misguided enthusiasm over prophetic passages has confused and embarrassed Christians throughout church history. The Bible is not a secret code-book, so don’t try to read it like one. I also suggest that you get your old job back. A hard day’s work will do wonders for your sleep.